What are five things you don’t like about yourself?
Author, speaker and inspirational truth-teller Glennon Doyle Melton came to town yesterday and let me tell you, seeing her is like waking up to the warmth of the spring sun after a long cold winter of gray clouds. I have to confess, though, I’ve never read her book Carry on Warrior, The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life or heard of her blog, Momastery.
Yeah, I’m the girl you hear about all the time. You know, the one who hides under rocks.
Boo!
So, when a couple of my girlfriends asked me to join them at the lecture for the 25th Anniversary of the Center for Women in Charleston, SC, I was like, “Sure. Sign me up. I’ll take any excuse to get out of the house for a Bloody Mary brunch.” I didn’t really know what I was in for.
My first awakening should’ve been when all 10 of us sat down at our table and we finished our introductions and “Nice to meet ya’s,” the waiter came over and informed us that since we were within a few meters of a church, there would be no alcohol served today. Let me just tell you, I was sitting next to a woman of G-d when I shouted, “Shut the F* up! You’re kidding, right?”
Uhhhh. No. He wasn’t. Apparently sacrificial wine can be offered at the nearby church, but a restaurant around the corner can’t offer a Bloody Mary to some women celebrating the fact that we have broken free from the chains of motherhood, even for a few measly hours.
It’s ok. G-d has granted me the strength to remain a strong Southern women, despite myself. “I’ll have some half and half tea,” I told him through a gritting smile. (For those of you who don’t know what half and half tea is. It’s Southern, iced, sweet tea minus the diabetic coma.)
When we finally finished our brunch, determining which of us was an extravert and which was an introvert, we made our way to the venue; sure of the fact that we would get some cold libations there.
Uh. No. Once again, G-d was laughing in our faces. All except one friend who bucked away from the group, headed to the nearest small grocery store and bought herself a screw-top bottle of wine and some red Solo cups to store in her purse for us. G-d may have a sense of humor, but no one takes Mommy Juice away from my friends!
Finally it came time to sit down, be still, and hear what my girlfriends had been talking about for a few months. Apparently this woman, Glennon Doyle Melton, makes a living telling people what she thinks. I mean, REALLY what she thinks. There’s no sugar coating it. There’s humor, there are tears and there are relatable anecdotes, but there is no holding back the truth.
So, while I sat there soberly with my friends thinking about all the personal crises going on in their lives and wondering how they get through it, I wondered, what struggle each of the women in this sold-out auditorium were dealing with, too. Can we be that brave that we don’t share our truths with each other only to present a photo-shopped version of ourselves? Why? Let’s let our friends, and frankly our strangers, see our truths! Why do we have to go around being perfect, pretending life is easy. Let me tell you. It is not easy. We have a hard time recognizing that we’re not perfect. But we have an even more difficult time realizing that we are not supposed to be perfect.
This was a very sobering thought. Now I see why there was to be no alcohol served to me!
With that in mind, I’ve decided to share my Nasty Five with the world. Ok. There are more than five things that I need to share about myself, but this blog is all about finding five things to change about yourself, whether it’s one day; one week or one year at a time.
I’m afraid of success.That’s right. I’m actually afraid to succeed because no one ever trained me for that. I’m used to failure. That part is easy. We are all trained to experience failure. Just look on the covers of every magazine in every grocery store in the world. What’s wrong with your relationship?How to lose 20 pounds in 20 minutes.Clean your clutter for good – again! #youarebroken
I have an unhealthy image of my body. I’m not bulimic or anorexic. But I’m not happy with my body. I never have been. My thighs are too fat, my legs are too short, my stretch marks are too stretchy, my pedicure is in need of major repair. I am not happy with myself and I don’t know how to stop finding things wrong with me.
I am in love with love. I am a die-hard romantic to the point of unrealistic expectations for myself and the people in my life. I beg for love and recognition like a puppy because I don’t know how to love myself. #whoa (That was insightful.)
I don’t know how to ask for help. I see it as a sign of weakness, but I have no problem offering help to others to the point of exhausting myself in the process. I get caught up in other people’s opinions of me to my own detriment. How can I be viewed as a strong person if I ask for help. I can only be strong if I am capable of doing it on my own.
I was sexually abused when I was younger. (I’ve never written or typed those words for anyone else to see.) I used to think that love came from boys who liked me because I thought that’s what love was. I learned that I received love, attention or even acceptance if I allowed someone access to my body. Maybe that’s why I have an unhealthy opinion of myself.
So, there you have it. My dirty five. What are yours?
The process of enjoying a glass of wine isn’t so much about relaxing with some Mommy juice. It’s really a lesson on the art of meditation and using your five senses to find who you really are.
To have a glass of wine is to meditate with all five of your senses, each one at a time, helping you delve into your innermost soul.
Begin with a breath. Close your eyes, stick that under utilized, often caricatured proboscis deep into a nice glass and just breathe. Inhale the aromas, let your senses take over as your imagination contemplates the fruit in your hand. Is it a crunchy green apple? Perhaps it’s a sunny, yellow honeysuckle or even a dark cherry.
Next, allow your taste buds to do their job as it awakes your soul with unexpected flavors and even textures. “Oh, that’s a bit peppery.” Or even, “Wow. I was expecting a certain creaminess and it’s actually quite crisp.”
Now, gently open your eyes and look at the legs against the glass as you swirl the colorful bi-product of grapes and chemistry in your own portable beaker. Yes, this is a science. You are experimenting. You are determining which varietal from which year, from which region of the world, meets your standards. Let’s see how they match up against other regions of the same variety from another part of the world.
Though this is a science, it is also art in its purest form. How the liquid swirls around your delicate glass as iridescent colors change in the light around you. Maybe even try to study the dichotomy of playful effervescent bubbles trying to escape the dullness of placid juicy nectar.
Can you hear the changes in your soul as your heart slows down a bit? Try again. Take another sip. Begin with a breath; a deep purposeful breath.
Inhale. In through the nose. Now, up with the glass.
I have serious issues with being organized. Throw in my ADD and you’ve got a person who walks around like a rabid raccoon; stumbling around aimlessly, foaming at the mouth and snapping at anything that gets in its way.
“Just make a list!” people say.
Duh! But has anyone thought about how ineffective and overwhelming list making can be? Well I have. And I can tell you this:
LIST MAKING CAN BE INEFFECTIVE AND OVERWHELMING!
I go from list to list…to list and I wonder why my to-do lists never get to-done!
A LIST FROM A MONTH AGO
work 9:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.
grocery store
eggs
milk
bread
wine
get list for kids’ camp
Holy crap!! How much stuff do they need?!
Kids after school:
Ellen stays for track
Daniel to piano, then to golf
Back to school to grab Ellen from track then rush to pick up Daniel from golf.
call back:
Mom
Hubby
co-worker to switch schedules
switch dr.’s appt.
cancel other dr.’s appt.
child’s teacher about why I missed teacher conference and to schedule another
calendar for child who needs help getting organized
calendar for self who needs help getting organized #appletree
go to Target to get more house supplies. (See #10)
Lysol®
Pet stain eliminator
birthday card for friend whose birthday I forgot
Excedrin®, Tylenol® or Advil® (whichever is on sale)
concealer for dark circles under eyes
exercise clothes
Look up new exercise studio that works around my schedule
Make dinner
Take out trash
Clean house
Eventually, the lists stopped. They were showing up all over the place, like little Post-it® poops all over the house, my car and my purse.
My therapist listened to my frustrations about my inability to get things done. The never-ending tasks piled on top of the mountain of things already needing to be checked off. My lack of organization and its effects weighed on my marriage, our kids’ lives and even my anxiety. What does it mean if I finish? What does it mean if I start? Avoidance behavior isn’t a coping mechanism.
How is it that some people just manage to get it done and I just fall off the wagon the second I roll out of bed.
“Prioritize,” she said.
Wait. What?
She told me that I don’t have to get it done in one day. Choose which things get done on what day and go from there. Those items that don’t get done, roll them over to the next day or pick a day where they get done.
Great. Now I need a list to divide my other lists.
So, into Staples I walk (with my list) and I stop in front of the Post-it® section to find yet another sticky to-do list. What I find is something better! A calendar. Not just any calendar, though. I found a calendar for ME!
It’s the Post it Weekly Planner calendar. The way it’s marketed, you fill in the blanks with people’s names as they take up a whole column for the week. If I did it that way, I’d be overwhelmed with all I had to do for other people. (Don’t get me started with my ability to put everyone before myself.)
So I think for a second and I then I see the product in a new way. What if I divide the calendar up differently?
Where it has the spot on the far left side to fill in four people’s names I made it my own by dividing the time of day into AM, Lunch, After school and Evening. It was genius! A place for me to organize my lists by time of day, not just during the whole day!
I brought it home began to look at my calendar on my computer. This makes sense. Though I use my computer’s calendar, I don’t see it spaced out the way I need to. I have to scroll up and down the page. By writing everything down, I’m able to process it better. Slowly I realize I can prioritize my life according to time of day, and then who needs what done and then where they’re going. I began to find the holes in my schedule where my day was heavy and where it was light.
Haircut appointment? Ok. Let’s see, I have work on Monday and Saturday a.m. and Thursday is taken up with a doctor’s appointment. “How about Thursday early afternoon? Sure! 1 p.m. is perfect.” As I write that down, I realize there are only 5 lines within each column.
Five.
That’s manageable.
Then I think even further about the number 5.
Five fingers on each hand. That’s what I can handle; a handful if you will. Any more tasks than that and I get overwhelmed. There are five books in the Old Testament. Five servings of fruits and veggies a day. Five good friends or teachers…count them on one hand. The number five was starting to awaken in me.
I can do this.
Now, here’s an example of my lists following my five.
Sprinkler guy at 8 a.m.
Work on blog while he is here.
Change the reservations for Saturday night dinner to 7:15.
Marinate the chicken and roast the vegetables for tonight’s dinner while sprinkler guy is here.
Exercise class at 5:30 p.m.
Ok. Yes, there are other things that need to get done like writing the kids at camp or walking the dogs, but those above things are things I NEED to get done TODAY and checked off my list. I can walk the dogs anytime or write the kids later tonight in bed. Meanwhile, if I get some other things done like setting up appointments or making plans while I’m stuck home today, it’s a bonus for me.
Derive Your Five 