My Nasty Five

What are five things you don’t like about yourself?

Author, speaker and inspirational truth-teller Glennon Doyle Melton came to town yesterday and let me tell you, seeing her is like waking up to the warmth of the spring sun after a long cold winter of gray clouds. I have to confess, though, I’ve never read her book Carry on Warrior, The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life or heard of her blog, Momastery.

http://momastery.com/carry-on-warrior/

Yeah, I’m the girl you hear about all the time. You know, the one who hides under rocks.

Boo!

So, when a couple of my girlfriends asked me to join them at the lecture for the 25th Anniversary of the Center for Women in Charleston, SC, I was like, “Sure. Sign me up. I’ll take any excuse to get out of the house for a Bloody Mary brunch.” I didn’t really know what I was in for.

My first awakening should’ve been when all 10 of us sat down at our table and we finished our introductions and “Nice to meet ya’s,” the waiter came over and informed us that since we were within a few meters of a church, there would be no alcohol served today. Let me just tell you, I was sitting next to a woman of G-d when I shouted, “Shut the F* up! You’re kidding, right?”

Uhhhh. No. He wasn’t. Apparently sacrificial wine can be offered at the nearby church, but a restaurant around the corner can’t offer a Bloody Mary to some women celebrating the fact that we have broken free from the chains of motherhood, even for a few measly hours.

It’s ok. G-d has granted me the strength to remain a strong Southern women, despite myself. “I’ll have some half and half tea,” I told him through a gritting smile. (For those of you who don’t know what half and half tea is. It’s Southern, iced, sweet tea minus the diabetic coma.)

When we finally finished our brunch, determining which of us was an extravert and which was an introvert, we made our way to the venue; sure of the fact that we would get some cold libations there.

Uh. No. Once again, G-d was laughing in our faces. All except one friend who bucked away from the group, headed to the nearest small grocery store and bought herself a screw-top bottle of wine and some red Solo cups to store in her purse for us. G-d may have a sense of humor, but no one takes Mommy Juice away from my friends!

Finally it came time to sit down, be still, and hear what my girlfriends had been talking about for a few months. Apparently this woman, Glennon Doyle Melton, makes a living telling people what she thinks. I mean, REALLY what she thinks. There’s no sugar coating it. There’s humor, there are tears and there are relatable anecdotes, but there is no holding back the truth.

So, while  I sat there soberly with my friends thinking about all the personal crises going on in their lives and wondering how they get through it, I wondered, what struggle each of the women in this sold-out auditorium were dealing with, too. Can we be that brave that we don’t share our truths with each other only to present a photo-shopped version of ourselves? Why? Let’s let our friends, and frankly our strangers, see our truths! Why do we have to go around being perfect, pretending life is easy. Let me tell you. It is not easy. We have a hard time recognizing that we’re not perfect. But we have an even more difficult time realizing that we are not supposed to be perfect.

This was a very sobering thought. Now I see why there was to be no alcohol served to me!

With that in mind, I’ve decided to share my Nasty Five with the world. Ok. There are more than five things that I need to share about myself, but this blog is all about finding five things to change about yourself, whether it’s one day; one week or one year at a time.

1. I’m afraid of success.That’s right. I’m actually afraid to succeed because no one ever trained me for that. I’m used to failure. That part is easy. We are all trained to experience failure. Just look on the covers of every magazine in every grocery store in the world. What’s wrong with your relationship? How to lose 20 pounds in 20 minutes.  Clean your clutter for good – again! #youarebroken
2. I have an unhealthy image of my body. I’m not bulimic or anorexic. But I’m not happy with my body. I never have been. My thighs are too fat, my legs are too short, my stretch marks are too stretchy, my pedicure is in need of major repair. I am not happy with myself and I don’t know how to stop finding things wrong with me.
3. I am in love with love. I am a die-hard romantic to the point of unrealistic expectations for myself and the people in my life. I beg for love and recognition like a puppy because I don’t know how to love myself. #whoa (That was insightful.)
4. I don’t know how to ask for help. I see it as a sign of weakness, but I have no problem offering help to others to the point of exhausting myself in the process. I get caught up in other people’s opinions of me to my own detriment. How can I be viewed as a strong person if I ask for help. I can only be strong if I am capable of doing it on my own.
5. I was sexually abused when I was younger. (I’ve never written or typed those words for anyone else to see.) I used to think that love came from boys who liked me because I thought that’s what love was. I learned that I received love, attention or even acceptance if I allowed someone access to my body. Maybe that’s why I have an unhealthy opinion of myself.

So, there you have it. My dirty five. What are yours?